自虐家 | ペンギンさんのおはなし工房

💿 収録曲インデックス

🎵自虐家【V5.5】

守るための方便が　首をじわじわ締めてくる
家族・友人・恋人の　首もじわじわ締めてゆく
私なんかダメだねって　放つ言葉が縄となる
みんなみんな縛ってく　逃げられぬように縛ってく
こんな私に構わず　生きてくれと手を振っても
そんな私が思わず握ってくれって手を伸ばす
私は自虐家　暇さえあれば傷付ける
私は自虐家　周りを巻き込んで傷付く

過去を巡る答弁を　自問自答で繰り返す
喉の浅瀬で作られた　薄い自答を繰り返す
私なんかダメだねって　放つ呪文が飛び回る
みんなみんな呪われる　逃げても苦しく呪われる
こんな私に構わず　行ってくれと手を振っても
そんな私が思わず見ててくれって手をかざす
私は自虐家　機会があれば傷付ける
私は自虐家　みんなを巻き込んで傷付く

つまりは「自虐家」など　方便でしかない
なぜなら私は　すべてを傷付ける
つまりは「加虐者」だと　答弁するしかない
それなら私は　それなりに生きねばならない

私は自虐家になりたい加虐者であるから
私は自虐家になるため　傷付かぬ言葉を探そう
私は自虐家に学んで加虐者をやめるんだ
私は自虐家だと　胸張って言える日のために

🎵Self-Abuser [Eng]

The excuses I made to protect
Are slowly tightening round my throat
Around my family, friends, and lovers too
They slowly tighten, never letting go

“I’m no good, not someone worth saving”
The words I cast become a rope
They bind everyone, everyone
So no one can escape from me

Even when I wave my hand and say,
“Don’t mind someone like me, just live your life”
That same me, before I know it,
Reaches out and asks you, “Hold my hand”

I am a self-abuser
Whenever I have time, I hurt myself
I am a self-abuser
Dragging everyone around me as I break

I repeat the same old arguments
With myself about the past
Shallow answers formed inside my throat
I repeat them, thin and weak

“I’m no good, not someone worth saving”
The spell I cast goes flying round
It curses everyone, everyone
Even if they run, they suffer still

Even when I wave my hand and say,
“Don’t mind someone like me, just go away”
That same me, before I know it,
Raises up a hand and asks you, “Watch me”

I am a self-abuser
Whenever I have a chance, I hurt myself
I am a self-abuser
Dragging everyone into it as I break

In other words, “self-abuser”
Is only another excuse
Because the truth is that I
End up hurting everything

In other words, “abuser”
Is the only answer I can give
And if that is what I am,
Then I have to live accordingly

Because I am an abuser
Who wants to become a self-abuser
I will search for words
That do not leave wounds behind

I will learn from self-abusers
And stop being an abuser
For the day I can say with pride,
“I am a self-abuser”

🎵自虐家（Re）

🎵The Self-Tormentor【Eng】

All the little excuses I make to keep others safe
Tighten slowly ‘round my neck, a tightening I myself create.
And every family member, friend, or lover near,
Feels that same slow pressure falling year by year.

When I say “I’m no good, really, I’m nothing at all,”
The words become a rope that winds around us all.
Binding everyone tighter, holding them in place,
So no one can escape from my trembling, clinging space.

Even when I wave my hand and say, “Don’t mind me—go live your life,”
Another part of me reaches out, asking, “Won’t you hold me tight?”
For I am a self-tormentor—give me time and I’ll find pain.
I am a self-tormentor—dragging others in again.

I return to past questions, circling them like prey,
Repeating self-interrogations that never go away.
Thin, fragile answers rising only to my shallow throat,
Yet I chant them as if truth lived in each trembling note.

When I whisper “I’m worthless, really, I’m wrong,”
That little spell takes flight and curses everyone.
Even running brings no freedom—still the curse pursues,
Leaving aching scars that no one meant to choose.

Even when I wave and cry, “Please don’t look back—just leave me here,”
Another part of me lifts its hand saying, “Please stay near.”
For I am a self-tormentor—any chance becomes a wound.
I am a self-tormentor—hurting everyone too soon.

In truth, this name “self-tormentor” is only camouflage—
A trick of words, a mask I’ve painted large.
For the truth is this: I wound everything I touch.
I am, in part, an injurer—one who harms too much.

And if that is true, then I must choose to stand,
To try and shape a life with steadier hands.

For I am someone who wants to be a self-tormentor,
Yet carries in my chest a fledgling injurer’s vector.
So I will search for words that never cut nor bruise,
Words the self-tormentor inside me can safely choose.

I will learn what gentleness the self-tormentor knows,
To let the injurer I’ve been come slowly to a close.
For the day I can declare—without hurting you or me—
“I am a self-tormentor,”
And say it with honesty,
I’ll walk toward that day,
As the person I hope to be.

💿 収録曲インデックス

🎵自虐家【V5.5】

🎵Self-Abuser [Eng]

🎵自虐家（Re）

🎵The Self-Tormentor【Eng】

🎵自虐家

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